


The Isekai Conspiracy

by DBSommer



Category: Monty Python RPF, この素晴らしい世界に祝福を! | KonoSuba: God's Blessing on this Wonderful World! - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Humor, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:01:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29086530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DBSommer/pseuds/DBSommer
Summary: We learn the truth behind the rise of Isekai.
Kudos: 2





	The Isekai Conspiracy

The Isekai Conspiracy

A Konosuba and… other stuff crossover

As always I do not own the rights to Goblin Slayer

You can contact me at 

tsommer@zoominternet.net

My works are stored at 

Fanfiction.net and a03

I do not own the rights to Konosuba, Monty Python, or the other stuff in this thing. And yes, once again this is comedy. In fact if you’re familiar with Monty Python, you’ll know how the scene plays out when that part comes up about halfway through.   
And yes, this is meant to be absurd comedy.   
Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

The room was in an otherworldly realm. A checkerboard floor that went off into the distance as far as the eye could see. Glowing blue shapes pulsed in the darkness like stars in the night sky, and there was a sort of mist visible around the area. Two chairs across from one another were the only decorations. Well that and the table next to one of the chairs.

Suddenly there was a young man sitting in the chair opposite the one with the stand. He was in his mid-teens. Black hair. Average looks. Average build. Average weight. Average height. Most people would have described him as average.

He looked around, confused. He became even more confused when a young girl in a blue outfit with a ridiculously short skirt, boots that went up past her knees, detached white sleeves, and a gossamer substance surrounding her upper body walked into the room. She addressed the young man as she walked to the empty chair.

“Kazuma Satou. Welcome to the Afterlife. Unfortunately, you passed away moments ago. Your life was a short one, but you are in fact, dead.”

The young man was sitting there in stunned shock at the declaration. Just as he was about to open his mouth, his head jerked. “Could you say that again?”

Aqua sighed. “Look, I know this comes as a surprise since you weren’t dead a moment ago, but yes, you are really and truly dead. I’m the goddess that helps souls pass on.”

“No, seriously, could you repeat what you said when you first came into the room?”

“Oh for the love of--.” She hated it when their little mortal minds couldn’t grasp the concept of being deceased. “Welcome to the Afterlife--.”

“No, the first thing you said!”

“Kazuma Satou.”

He shot up out of the chair and shouted. “Yes! I heard you correctly.”

“Good hearing isn’t a big thing when you’re dead,” Aqua said.   
“No, it’s the name.”

“Did I mispronounce it?”

“I don’t think anyone could mispronounce’ Touya Mochizuki’ that badly.” 

“What?”

“You’ve got the wrong person. I’m not Kazuma Satou.”

“The heck you’re not!” A television appeared on the table, one with a built-in VCR. She pulled out a VHS tape out of nowhere and stuck it in. A moment later the face of an average looking teen appeared. 

She pointed at it and said, “That’s definitely you.”

“No it’s not. I look nothing like that.”

“You absolutely do look like that.” There couldn’t possibly be two people who looked that average. It was statistically impossible.

“My name is Touya Mochizuki. I was struck dead by the hand of god.”

“No, I’m pretty sure you are Kazuma Satou and you pissed yourself before dying from shock.” Except, maybe he wasn’t. This was confusing. Had the spell somehow mistaken this guy for Kazuma? If it wasn’t him, they did look a *lot* alike. 

“Let me try catching his soul again.” Aqua recast the spell to summon the deceased spirit in question.

And then there was a young man standing next to the one in the chair. He was in his mid-teens. Black hair. Average looks. Average build. Average weight. Average height. Most people would have described him as average.

“Double vision!” Aqua rubbed her eyes and looked again. Nope, there really were two of them. One sitting one standing. 

She went into her spiel again. ““Kazuma Satou. Welcome to the Afterlife. Unfortunately you passed away moments ago. Your life was a short one, but you are in fact, dead.”

The newcomer said, “What? My name isn’t Kazuma. It’s Youta Tada.”

“Please tell me you died pissing yourself and then died from shock,” Aqua moaned.

“Don’t be absurd. I died when some weird scarecrow thing killed me.”

“Damn!”

Touya said, “You’re definitely the dude on TV.”

Youta looked at the image. “Are you nuts. I look nothing like that. He looks just like you.”

“No he doesn’t.”

“He looks like both of you and you look like each other!” Aqua snapped. 

“I don’t see the resemblance.” The pair said as one. Even their voices sounded the same.

This was getting ridiculous. How could three people look this much alike and not be the same person? She decided to try and catch Kazuma again. 

And then there was a young man standing next to the one in the chair. He was in his mid-teens. Black hair. Average looks. Average build. Average weight. Average height. Most people would have described him as average.

Aqua gave a hopeful, “So Kazuma Satou. Welcome to the Afterlife.”

“Who’s Kazuma Satou?” the newcomer asked. 

“You?”

“No, my name’s Nagi Souma.”

Aqua screamed and pulled at her hair.

Youta compared the face on the screen with the newcomer. “No, I’m pretty sure he’s the same guy. Maybe he changed his name.” 

Touya nodded in agreement.

Nagi walked over and saw the image on the screen. “I look nothing like that. You two are dead ringers for him, though.”

“I’m not, but he is,” both said at the same time.

Aqua muttered, “This was supposed to be a good day. Summon the moron who pissed himself here. Mock his humiliating death. Send him on his way. Now I’m in the Hell of Repetition.” She decided to try her spell again.

And then there was a young man standing next to the one in the chair. He was in his mid-teens. Black hair. Average looks. Average build. Average weight. Average height. Most people would have described him as average.

“Am I casting ‘Clone’ and not realizing it?” Aqua looked at her hand.

“What’s going on?” the newcomer shouted.

Aqua looked at him, devoid of hope. “Since you look like the guy I was supposed to grab, I assume you’re not the guy I’m supposed to grab. Youta Tada?”

“That’s me!” Youta said happily.

“I mean Kazuma Satou!” This was bad. They were so much alike they were all blurring into one.

“My name is Makoto Mizuhara.”

“Of course you are,” Aqua mumbled. 

“That’s him!” the trio already present declared.

Makoto said, “Whoa! Are you guys triplets? That’s cool. You even all say the same thing at the same time.”

“I don’t look like either of them,” All three said at the same time.

“Do you guys practice doing that, or does it come naturally?” Makoto asked.

At that moment a dramatic audio sting pierced the air, seemingly coming from everywhere. All present looked around for the source. A second later an older gentleman dressed in a trenchcoat and hat appeared from out of seemingly nowhere as well. Meaning probably the same source as the music.

In a British accent he stated, “I am Inspector Leopard of Scotland Yard, Isekai Buster Division. Not to be confused with our Filler Arc Buster Division, our Overuse of Flashbacks Division, or our Excessively Large Bust Buster Division, which has consumed most of our resources of late.”

“What are you doing here?” Aqua asked. 

He smiled like a pleased cat, probably an ocelot. “We’ve been after you for a long time, Missy. We knew you’d slip up, and now you ‘ave.”

“What have you been after me for?”

“Kidnapping.” The dramatic audio sting pierced the air again.

The Isekai Quartet (not that one) looked again for the source while Aqua shouted, “I’m not a kidnapper! I’m a goddess!”

“Your delusions of grandeur won’t save you, Missy. You’ve been caught in the act. You ‘ave clearly absconded with a number of minors over international and extradimensional boundaries. Let me assure you we take our child trafficking seriously. Why if I had a rubber hose right at this moment, you’d find out they ‘ave uses other than watering a lawn.”

“What other uses?” Nagi asked.

“This!” Inspector Leopard pulled out a rubber hose and thumped him over the head with it, producing a resounding, “Ow!”

Aqua was indignant. “I haven’t kidnapped anyone. I’m simply offering opportunities for young men to have unique experiences and unlock their true potential. It’s like a public service.”

The Inspector circled around her. “Is that so? Would these ‘opportunities’ involve payment of some kind? Compensation of the monetary variety? A salary or benefits?”

“Well, not exactly, though they can keep anything they earn on their journey to betterment.”

He continued circling, like a liger waiting for the right moment to strike. “And would these ‘unique experiences’ involve the risk of bodily harm? A light maiming? A mild case of death or two?”

“It’s… not outside the realm of possibility.”

“Ah ha!”

“That’s a palindrome,” Touya pointed out.

The rubber hose met his head. 

Inspector Leopard continued, “Thanks to my subtle questioning, I have broken the case. You thought you were clever, but you slipped up in the end. By your own admission your isekai operation is nothing more than a thinly veiled crime syndicate dedicated to free child labor with no regard to safety regulations!”

Aqua was about to say something, then her shoulders slumped in defeat. “It’s a fair cop.” And she held out her wrists.

“Right! Take her away.” Two policemen appeared out of the same nowhere Inspector Leopard did, slapped handcuffs on her, and escorted Aqua away.

Using the ability of public service announcements, Inspector Leopard promptly broke the fourth wall and began addressing the audience directly. “Look, if some bint in a frilly dress who proclaims divinity offers to take you to some exotic locale in exchange for some vague favor, it’s a bloody scam. No different than you getting an email claiming you’ve been randomly selected to receive magical powers and access to a harem of buxom women, and all you have to do is one little task to get it. Then you end up in some other dimension fighting on the frontline of a foreign war that’s got nothing to do with you.”

“Does that really happen very often?” Makoto asked.

Inspector Leopard turned on him. “20% of the bloody NEET population has disappeared thanks to these isekai rings!”

“I had no idea,” Makoto admitted. 

“Exactly. So never accept an invitation to adventure from some random stranger.”

“But they brought me back from the dead,” Touya protested. 

“Quit your whining, zombie! You had your chance at life and bungled it!” He turned back to the audience. “So the next time someone makes you an offer to become an isekai, call us at Scotland Yard, and we’ll take care of these child kidnappers.”

Xxxxxxxxxx

[End fic]

Really, when you think about how isekai usually roll, it’s not that far from the truth. 

Someone showed me the picture for ‘Stock Light Novel Hero’ on TV Tropes and that was where the first half came from. The second half came from a discussion on spacebattles about the abduction aspect of many isekai. This is a bit disjointed in tone, but I wanted to use both ideas and neither was long enough to stand on their own. 

And if you haven’t seen any Monty Python stuff, you really should. It’s classic comedy. Holy Grail is still the most amusing satire of Arthurian legend I’ve seen. And the humor stands the test of time.

Oh yes, and for those that don’t know:

Youta Tada is from Parallel Paradise

Touya Mochizuki is from In Another World With My Smartphone

Nagi Souma is from Being Able to Edit Skills in Another World

Makoto Mizuhara is old school isekai: EL Hazard. Watch the original OVA series. You can skip the rest. Those first ones are still great.

And Satou Pendragon is from Death March to the Parallel World. He wasn’t in this and has nothing to do with it, but I just thought I’d throw that in there.

Excelsior.


End file.
